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How to Squat Big-Time!

© 1997 Calvin Hass.

My slice of humor has circulated around the bodybuilding / training community for years... Enjoy!

Have you always wanted to be one of those feared monsters in the gym, but never knew the secret? ... have people cover their eyes in fear when you walk past, see little scrawny guys scurry away from the fountain when you grunt, or have an entourage follow you around to watch your every lift, in absolute awe? Well, you've got to get noticed, and do the stylin' squat... Here's the guide for doing squats to ensure the fastest growth in your gym prowess: (meatheads need not apply)

Step 1: Preparation

For your "intiation day" at the gym (the one that will set you well on your way to monsterhood), you should have ready the following:

  • Chalk (find some that makes the biggest cloud that hangs in the air for the longest time after you clap your hands with it). Store it in a tupperware container, important for the veteran look.
  • Powerlifting belt. 4-6 inches on the back. Essential. The biggest prongs and buckle you can find. It must be leather, too. Remember to remove the price tag.
  • Knee wraps. If you can find them, get ones that take about 5 minutes to wrap. Any less just won't do.
  • Get a crew cut. Everybody knows a short haircut makes you look bigger.
  • Cheap water bottle.
  • Practice the ILS strut -- walk around like you've got barrels under your arms, the bigger the better.

Step 2: The Walk

Go to the squat rack, and nothing but the squat rack. You must find the most direct line, even if that means walking over a benchpress or through a conversation between monster- heads. Don't be intimidated. You're going to earn their respect today. If anyone talks to you on your way, you must ignore them, with your eyes fixed on the rack. You mustn't talk, as this takes away from your intense look. During the walk, you musn't trip over anything, as this doesn't look good either. If necessary, practice the direct-route walk when the gym is empty, so you know where the difficult areas are.

Step 3: Taking the Rack

When you arrive at the rack, if there's a skinny guy doing curls, then push him over, and say, "get outta here, rat!" Make sure he gets hurt when he falls. Clench your jaw together when you're doing this, for additional effect. If there's a big guy, then hang off for a while, standing near the rack, but make sure your lats are flexed 'til they cramp, and in complete view of the rest of the gym -- it helps if you tuck in your tank top. It's much better if you time your entrance (beginning of step 2) so that there's no big guy at the rack by the time you've finished your Walk.

Step 4: The Setup

Now that you have your own rack (or cage), it's important to get some attention. Drop your gear near the rack as loudly as possible, preferrably so that the prongs of the belt hit something metallic.

Look in the mirror in front of you to see if anybody heard, if not, then make sure the supports in the cage are strong by hitting them loudly with the side of your hand as hard as you can without getting a bruise.

Now, pick up your belt and cinch it up as tight as you can manage. Tighten until your waist is 20 inches. Contrasting your 40 inch chest, you now have an impresive v-taper, just like the pros.

Walk up to the bar, hit it with both hands (again, forcefully enough) grunt at it, and then turn around to check out your audience. The more people near the rack, the more impressive your lift will seem.

Throw on a pair of 45s. Make sure that you throw them on as hard as you can manage without losing your balance. This is an excellent way to cultivate your audience. Next, put on your wraps and double-check your belt. Pick up your water bottle, take a swig, then throw it across the gym. For best effect, it should rocket through the other guy's squat cage, narrowly miss the guy doing 100lb dumbell presses and hit a far wall.

Now, toss on another pair. You should have 225. This isn't enough for them? Time to throw on another pair. Now we're getting a couple looks, aren't we? Ahh... now's not the time to stop -- you're on a roll, and you're starting to get some respect, so fling on another 90. When the clamour of the weights begins to die, tell somebody nearby, "Hey you... fetch me a couple more plates." 495 on the bar... look who's talking now! You will probably see even see the biggest guys in the gym looking out of the corners of their eyes, suppressing their awe. If only Yates could see you now.

Step 5: The Burn

This is a crucial step. Pick some skinny kid nearby and walk up to him, ask him quietly "can I borrow you for a moment?" Walk back to the bar, and wait for him to come near. If all goes as planned, he'll say, "Do you need a spot?" Bingo. Make sure you yell the rest of this loud enough so that everyone around you could hear: "You... spot me? HAHAHAHAHAH Muahahaha.. You couldn't spot a fly if it hit you in the eye." Immediately, pick one of the big guys and say, "Hey bro, got a sec for a quick spot?" You have boosted his ego, so chances are he'll do it. If not, then come up with a good joke about his clothing and pick somebody else (preferrably not the deepsquatter).

Reach into your tupperware container of chalk, and rub it across your palms, back of shoulders and neck. Grunt every now and then and mutter some things under your breath. Occasionally say, "piece of cake", "what a joke", or "now we're cookin'". Finally, smash your hands together, but make sure there's a hefty quantity of chalk in the cup of your hands before they hit. This will make sure that all of it explodes into the air. You want the skinnies in the aerobics area to be struck with fear by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising over the squat area. This is usually enough to bring over a couple more spectators.

Step 6: The Lift

Now that you're wrapped, chalked, belted and have an enough people watching, it's time to get on with your lift -- if you wait too long, you'll lose people's interest. Walk back up to the bar, again, slap your hands on the bar, and very quickly duck under the bar and smash your shoulders into the bar. This should make the cage rattle with all the weight. You're in position for your Lift.

Make sure your spotter is close behind you, because it's important that he obscures you from the crowd watching from behind. You want them to hear your lift, not see it.

When ready, stand, walk out and grunt. You will probably need about 5 grunts to keep people's interest while you're getting ready. Now, start to bend your knees, and go down a couple inches. As soon as you think you've gone far enough, start yelling. Try to roar from the bottom of your stomach, with as much force as possible. Before you start your roar, be sure to get as big a breath as possible. This will allow you to keep a sustained roar for much longer; hyperventilate if you have to. But it's not the length that counts, it's the number of times the roar changes pitch, making it sound like you're going through a series of different levels of agony. Your last note should be unpleasantly loud and should crescendo with you throwing the bar back on the pins. Assuming your yell was long enough, most people will think you came up from parallel, and the spotter should make it difficult to see.

Step 7: The Exit

Step out of the rack, and look around to see what sort of audience you managed to summon. If you've injured yourself, don't cry until you've left the gym. Leave the weight on the bar so that the next person to use it has to take it all off and realize how strong you really are. Ignore your spotter. If he starts to say something about depth, yell over top of him, "what kind of LOUSY spot was that?" To anything he says after that, just laugh him off immediately. Exit the gym by the same route you took to get in. Do not remove your belt and remember those barrels.

With careful application of these secrets, don't be surprised if you become the new talk of the gym. If the gym tells you they don't want you back (they're usually worried about letting superstrong guys like you make others insecure), find another one. Preferrably one of those hardcore ones like Jane Fonda or Bally's.

Cal.

 


Reader's Comments:

Please leave your comments or suggestions below!
2007-03-21fiete
 Reminds me of this guy:
YouTube: 426kg Deadlift
 Hilarious! Thanks for sharing.
2007-03-13kens
 "You... spot me? HAHAHAHAHAH Muahahaha.. You couldn't spot a fly if it hit you in the eye."
2007-02-21bigcod
 My brother does this.
2006-02-04Arin
 This is awesome, I want to print it out and give a copy to the employees at the gym I go to. I think I might do that!
2005-12-31Vicki
 LMFAO!! OMG this is funny! I have seen guys pull this one~ as dumb as it is- they do fool some out there.
2004-07-23DanMc
 

LOL.. At 6'4 235 it would be tough to find a spotter to hide behind... that is classic.

2004-07-23Eric_FXST
 

TOO FUNNY!

2004-07-23Bulkbill
 

haha! nice

2004-07-23SavesTheMuscle
 

ROFL!!!!!! hahahahahahah

"Hey you, fetch me some plates!"

OH man this one is good...

Quote: You want the POW camp extras in the aerobics area to be struck with fear by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising over the squat area.

BAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

2004-07-23tetsuo
 

that was excellent

2004-07-23Stagger
 

My favorite was "You? Spot me? HAHAHAHAH!"

That was a great read.

2004-07-23hyp3r3xt3nsion
 

nice

2004-07-23warped
 

LMAO! I like this one:

Now, pick up your belt and cinch it up as tight as you can manage. Tighten until your waist is 20 inches. Contrasting your 40 inch chest, you now have an impresive v-taper, just like the pros.

2004-07-23Biasedbulldog
 

"You want the POW camp extras in the aerobics area to be struck with fear by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising over the squat area."

Bwahahahah.... The sad thing is I think some of the guys at my gym actually took that to heart

2004-07-23Hypersion
 

Hey - You must have watched me deadlift the other day?

2004-04-23BigRic
 

OMG that wsas ****ing hilarious.

2004-04-23BigRic
 

So, I tried this in the gym today with not such good results. I'm only 190lbs, skinny, but wanted mad respect at the gym!

I didn't own a weight belt, so I just got this really thick belt that my mom has. It's black, so the big buckle on the front didn't look to girly. No chalk, but got a thing of baby powder from teh bathroom. I didn't have time to get some wraps, so I substituted my little brothers knee pads. Grabbed a bottle of water on the way, already have a short haircut (hey,I'm new, but I'm not THAT new to the gym), and away I go!

I got to the gym, and there were people walking out. Immediately I went into the best ILS strut I could manage! I could tell they were impressed while I feigned trouble getting out of my car from my huge back!!

I walk inside, and make a B line STRAIGHT for the squat rack like you guys told me to. On the way I accidentally hit one of my slightly extended arms on a guys barbell, knocking 2 plates off in the middle of his bench! (DON'T WORRY!!) Like a true pro, I immediately looked to him and said "Try to lower the weight if it's too much for you to control!!!" Everyone that was looking from the noise of the plates fallign to the ground immediately got a look of anger - surely over the inexperienced guy who couldn't handle the weight on his bench.

I was lucky when I reached the rack, because it was already empty. I threw my gear down at the rack. The large buckle on my mom's belt made the greatest crashing noise ever! I'm sure I got some attention then!! I tucked in my tanktop, put on my mom's belt, strapped on the knee pads as tight as they could go, chugged the water, threw it at the far wall, and proceeded to grunt!! Oh man, what a grunt! This was great! I had everyone's attention now!

I started adding weight to the bar, but wanted to REALLY impress everyone. I used a bunch of plates and worked a taper on the ends using smaller weights, so it looks like I am doing even more!

I found the nearest guy and worked him over with the Burn! I talked about his mom and all! He was fully insulted. Then I picked the big guy,and got my spot ready!

I pull out my baby powder and SQUEEZED! The whole area was full of the aroma of it! I could tell all the onlookers knew I was a serious professional when they saw that! This weight ain't no ****, and neither am I!!

Finally, I grunted, kicked and punched the rack. I did a hulk-like pose in the mirror to really psyche everyone out!! Here was the moment of truth!!

I took a breath! Grunted, lifted the weight! Now here's where things started to go so wrong! I DID hyperventalate! Just like you told me to! I fell to the floor, the way knocked my spotter down, plates fell everywhere, and everyone saw! Right away I yelled "that's the last time I get such a small guy to spot me!!" but I'm not sure if that saved face! The guy started to respond so I yelled "I appreciate your apology! Just don't let it happen again!"

Still covered in babypowder, wearing my mom's huge belt buckle belt, a pair of child's skateboard knee pads, and my arms out like I am carrying two thanksgiving turkeys - I made my strut out of the gym! I had everyone's attention on the way out! So maybe things did go well! I guess I will have to wait until next time to see how intimidated everyone is!!!

2004-04-23ElPietro
 

I keep my chalk in a tupperware container, have a thick powerlifting belt, crew cut, cheap water bottle, and generally always take the most direct path to the power rack when I get to the gym as well. :)

2004-02-19drunkenj
 

very funny!p>

2004-02-18Ka-Bar
 

So that's why my chalk has been so stale and not-so-fresh lately. I've just been putting it in a bowl, loosely covered with cling wrap. Now I know that Tupperware is the squatter's secret.

2003-12-10PizDoff
 

QUOTE: Chalk (find some that makes the biggest cloud that hangs in the air for the longest time after you clap your hands with it). Store it in a tupperware container, important for the veteran look.

Reach into your tupperware container of chalk, and rub it across your palms, back of shoulders and neck. Grunt every now and then and mutter some things under your breath. Occasionally say, "piece of cake", "what a joke", or "now we're cookin'". Finally, smash your hands together, but make sure there's a hefty quantity of chalk in the cup of your hands before they hit. This will make sure that all of it explodes into the air. You want the POW camp extras in the aerobics area to be struck with fear by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising over the squat area. This is usually enough to bring over a couple more spectators. ENDQUOTE

$#%!ing brilliant.

2003-12-09ronin69
 

So true !!!!! so true it hurts !!!!!!

2003-05-29Dave
 

haha great!!! that was hilarious!

i gotta go get me one of those big belts....

 
2003-05-28slfastball
 

LOL, i wouldn't wanna come back to the gym if i ever did that

2003-05-28AtypicalDude
 

hahaha good stuff, just wondering who's gonna take this wonderful advice now?

2003-05-27Y2Jversion1
 

That was funny as hell! lol There's a guy at my gym who does kinda the same thing on the bench.. slaps on like 4 plates per side and struggles out like 4 partial reps.. i think the bench only moves within 3 or 4 inches each time :lol:

He's grunting and groaning like he's giving birth and after he's done he'll walk around all tough n stuff lol :lol:

2003-05-27JiNX
 

LOLOLOL Amazing!

2003-05-19Tim
 

Crazy - it describes the exact technique one of the guys used at my old gym!

2002-09-17Tryska
 

*lol* very funny

2002-09-17EdgarMex
 

I'll put that into practice tomorrow! :D

2002-09-17AdamGberg
 

haha, ya. i always laugh when those type of guys come around

2002-09-17Spawn_X
 

hahahaha lol thats a good one.

2002-04-23Hogan
 

LOL... good one! I was lauging out loud in class. Oh right, class. I should be paying attention, huh

2002-04-23Anthony G
 

You know this could also work for shrugs! Load up a shrug bar with as much weight as you can hold, grunt and petend you are doing shrugs, but in reality all yu are doing is straining to hold the weight. All the steps are the same of course.

2002-04-23maverick
 

This is hillarious!p>

2002-04-23bruce
 

This Calvin Hass dude really knows his stuff...this is how I squat, and I've been booted out of several gyms in the last year...its cause I'm too HYOOOGE and use up all the 45 pound plates.

2002-04-23awesomepossom
 

Hey, don't laugh. This stuff really works!! I did it this morning and EVERYBODY was looking. The only problem is that I've got a lot of boogers from all that chalk. Oh well, it's worth it--being such an animal and all.

2002-02-14Ingram
 

Great post! lmao

2002-02-14Sebass67
 

Beautiful post. I think i am going to try that one day when i have the guts. Maybe when i go back home...i'll do it at the recreational pool gym in my city...

2002-02-14bouncer
 

This is with doubt THE FUNNEST STORY I've read, an absolute classic.

2002-02-13danielson
 

RALOL!!! :lmao:

2002-02-13Y_Lifter
 

The best Cheap Water bottle is a Old Gallon Milk container...

2002-02-13mekannik
 

"Now we're cookin'." I like that line, have to use that one this evening when I'm squatting.

What about using bumper plates? You could have six of those on each side of the bar and it could only be #225. ...or did I just let another secret out??

2002-02-13HappyScrappy
 

this is by far the best post I've ever had the benefit of witnessing. this should be made permantently sticky, like my underwear.

I bow down before you and worship you as the god of all that is... something. funny?

"what kind of lousy spot was that?!" perfect. *golf clap and standing O*

2002-02-13mrbill
 

there is a guy at my gym that actually follows that almost to the letter :D

2002-02-13HappyScrappy
 

I've seen so many people do this - that is what makes it so beautiful.

again, I nominate this for "best post ever"

2002-02-13HighIntensity
 

very funny bro...

one trick i like to do that scares that crap out of other lifters is takeing in as much water as possible at the drinking fountain, then in one fluid motion spitting it all over the gym floor, after that they know i mean buisness.

2002-02-13thefantom1
 

Now that had me rolling on the floor....... :D

 


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