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The Newbie's Guide to Bodybuilding Contests

By Pat Matteson

NOTE: The following contains some crude material, I assume no responsibility for it! Reprinted from

Greetings once again. I am Pat "Pimpdaddy" Matteson, and I have brought to you another installment of my weightlifting success guides. In my last installment, I have shown to you all how to be champion powelifters. Unfortuneately, no one has the balls to try my suggestions.

I bring to you another installment: THE NEWBIE'S GUIDE TO BODYBUILDING CONTESTS.

You know, there is a first time for everything. Your first date, your first kiss, your first tuna shake (grin). And likewise there is always your first bodybuilding contest. Sometimes, it can be a rather painful experience if you have never attended one of these shows before. There are strange customs, freaky-looking people, and God knows what. What I am going to show you is how you should conduct yourself in this strange place, known as the bodybuilding contest.

A list of materials to bring: a large bag, a tape recorder, a police badge, insulin injections, a video camera.

Every bodybuilding show that I know of has two parts: the prejudging and the evening show. The prejudging show usually takes place in the morning or the afternoon of the show date, and the evening show takes place the same evening as prejudging (usually). I'm first going to walk you through prejudging.

Prejudging is when the bodybuilding competitors are first judged. To the competitors, it is most important part of the show because that's when contest placings are usually dictated. To be truthful, as a spectator, prejudging is booooooring!! "Quarter turn to your right. Quarter turn to your right. Quarter turn to your right. Quarter turn to you right. Front double biceps. Relax. Quarter turn to your right. Side tricep. Blah, blah, blah!!!" Don't be surprised if you fall asleep during prejudging. This happens to me a lot. When this happens, you should get up and walk around. The contest isn't the only thing happening at the contest. Lord no! At contests, there are concession stands known as booths. At these booths are various bodybuilding companies which try to sell bodybuiling-related stuff to you. There will be clothing lines, supplement companies, workout equipment, etc. It's always fun to have conversations with these salespersons. They are usually kind people. This is what I do when I go to a booth: I usually pick out a woman to start a conversation with. It's better if they sell something you need, like creatine monohydrate or something like that. Don't be shy. Start a conversation with them. Allocate a good amount of time to speak with them. After a little bit, sort of look behind them when you converse with them. When the person turns around and looks, quickly snatch your bottle of creatine monohydrate and put it in your large bag. When the person turns around to talk with you, just continue the conversation. If you're really lucky, you could get a telephone number (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Repeat this process at all booths that sell stuff you want. Some may call this stealing, but I call it "getting back at the fraudulent supplement companies."

Bodybuilding contests are also a great place to meet some friends. It's actually nice to meet people who have the same interests and goals as you. And it is also a great place to find "connections." Look for a guy who you know for sure is on roids. It's not that hard to find them. In prejudging, they'll usually be watching the prejudging show. Take a seat right next to them. Don't be shy. Turn your tape recorder on. Start a conversation with the big guy. It can go something like this, "Wow, that guy has some really good quads." And so on. Eventually the conversation will start talking about roids. The guy will then offer you a connection, and you should accept (He should give you his telephone number or something like that). Next, show the guy your badge, a tell him you're a cop. Tell him you recorded their conversation and that you are going to turn him in unless he give you free roids. The guy will be so terrified that he will succumb. FREE ROIDS!!!

Also, at the prejudging contest, there are the judges who are running prejudging. These guys are good to be friends with, for they will help your contest placings in the future if you should ever plan to compete. So during prejudging, pull up a chair beside the judging table and start talking to them! Some of the judges will probably say, "Get lost, dickwad!" This doesn't mean what you interpret it to mean. Remember, bodybuilders have their own language. A "military press" isn't an army newspaper. Rather, it's a shoulder exercise. Same thing here. In bodybuilding jargon, "Get lost, dickwad!" simply means "Hey buddy, you're welcome here." So don't leave when they say this phrase, but rather, keep on talking with them. And they'll remember you. And when you step up on the stage in the near future, they'll place you right where you belong, because you are their friends!

Now we're done with prejudging. Nothing much really happens there. The EVENING SHOW!! That's where the action is!

The evening show is a *lot* more fun than prejudging. There are more people that show up (hence, more roids), and there are more booths (hence, more supplements). This is also when the celebrity guest poser does his/her routine.

Oh, there's one more thing about the evening show: the gorgeous women!! I am speaking the truth here. The women spectators at evening show are just...... so beautiful. They'll have sexy make-up, and they'll wear flimsy dresses, and best of all, they're in shape. Having all these women around will just overwhelm you, and it's okay to go the restroom several times to "relieve yourself." What's that you say? You want to pick up these women? That's fine with me. And as the "Pimpdaddy," I have great pick-up lines:

If the lady is with another guy, you say, "Hey, baby, what say you dump that loser pencil-neck geek and come and party with a real man!" The usual response is a slap in the face, but in bodybuilding, this means, "I want to fuck you tonight." So when she does this to you, stay with her all night and follow her around. The boyfriend, you ask? What do we do about him? This is where the insulin comes handy. Just inject about 140 IU into him. He shouldn't bother you again. Use an 18 gauge, 1.5" needle.

Here is the line that you use when a woman is alone: "Pull my finger." Great pick-up line! In bodybuilding jargon, this means, "I only have 24 hours to live..."

Also, what often happens at bodybuilding contests is a special appearance by a bodybuilding superstar. If you have never met a bodybuilding star, this is what you do: quickly kneel before him, wrap your arms around his knees, and kiss his feet while saying, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" The bodybuilding superstar will usually not have any objections, for they tend to be rather cocky, they know no one is worthy of them. You do this for a bodybuilder you admire. If he is a bodybuilder you hate, do the previous instructions, but while you are down on the floor, inject insulin into their calf. The amount depends on how much you hate him. Use a lot if you want to kill him. Use less if you just want to knock him out. You can have fun with him if he gets knocked out! You can put him in a bed with a hooker while you roll your video camera, just like in "Ricochet." With that video camera, you can blackmail him in any way you want. Be creative.

YAWN!! I guess it's time to sit down and enjoy the evening show. The evening show is cool because the competitors do their posing routines to really entertaining music. If you are like me, you like to watch the women bodybuilding competitions. I speak the truth here. Some of the women, to me, look really sexy at low bodyfat percentages. When I see these women pose to a Madonna song, I feel the urge to unzip my pants, take out my hardened cock, and wank in synchrony with the female poser. It's okay to do this. No one will notice you because the auditorium is dark, and if someone does, then so what. You got your insulin. Shoot 'em up if they're gonna tell someone.

And last, but not least, there is the guest poser for the contest. Usually the guest-posers are offseason bodybuilders. Some of them look like shit, all fat and bloated, but a good many are in decent shape. I'll tell you one thing about pro bodybuilders: You don't know how big one is until you see him/her in real life. Unbelievable. And believe me, when the guest poser does their thing, you will be just blown away. In fact, you may even get jealous when they're guest-posing. Don't let it get the better of you. In fact, when they're guest-posing, pull a "Pimpdaddy" on their wives (I'm speaking about men, here) with the tried-and-true pick-up line, as explained above.

There you go. My informative guide on bodybuilding contests and how you should conduct yourself. Follow these guidelines, and you will fit right in.

Pat Matteson


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